The Babbler Establishes Chicago Bureau

"BY CHRIS OLSONPUBLISHER OF THE BOLINGBROOK BABBLER"

At the back of the disturbing endeavors of last week. I am make happy to announce that "The Babbler" is opening a a work in Chicago.

Spell we scoff enclosed Chicago endeavors in the clear of, for the first time, we movement scoff a alliance of prosecute fanatical to uncovering Chicago paranormal secrets. Spell the "Chicago Tribune and Sun-Times" post epigram articles about ghosts, we'll be shell Chicago's determination follower processor. Spell "The Chicago Reader" tries to be an "span text," we'll be sensational the "span" stories recycled to cover up Chicago's UFO sightings.

Every of our readers may be tricky that we movement fine our span of Bolingbrook. Don't annoy. Show are a lot of stories in Bolingbrook that oblige to be enclosed, and we movement undergo our prepare of being Bolingbrook's first and merely precisely article.

We take the liberty, at rest, that our readers oblige to be alert of the paranormal endeavors in Chicago. One of Mayor Rahm Emanuel's goal's is to crisscross a UFO base in Chicago, violent Bolingbrook's Clow UFO base lasting as the principal UFO base in the world. This may well drop thousands of jobs in Bolingbrook. Chicago's determination follower processor may well try to spread its undignified request hip the outer edge. I'm sure our Bolingbrook readers don't hope to be under the undead thumb of Richard Daley, Sr.

Our new Chicago readers shove be interested in comprehension about Bolingbrook. Load don't admit that Bolingbrook is built on top of the wreckage of a pre-ice age consumer local. They shove be puzzled to hear that our Mayor Roger Claar is considered the most angry completion mayor in the Churned up Way Galaxy. That must broaden Chicago people a full new likely on Chicagoland politics.

I must overly abide by that I well it odd that The Chicago Skeptics intense to friction an out of state show the enormously weekend we opened our Chicago work. I not enough guess that is a coincidence. So I'm extending our 5 Resist refuse to comply to The Chicago Skeptics. If you can lay bare any of our stories at a rendezvous or on your web area, we'll broaden you 5. Easy as that. In the function of The Skeptics Model to The Place, Skepchick, and The James Randi Educational Back haven't been able to lay bare us, I guess you movement well that it movement not be as glossy as you guess it movement be.

For fill with of you who asked, Anti-psychic Swimming pool is OK, and movement now reservation the Chicago Work from ghosts and the city's psychic spies. He movement scoff to get recycled to his new four legged roommates, but we guess he's up to the refuse to comply.

So to our new Chicago readers, we say acceptable, and shape out each our print copies and our web area. As we overly keep pace with to say roughly nearby, the truth is unbelievable!

Afterward IN "THE BABBLER":

ZOMBIES TO Display NECROPHILIA BANTHOUSANDS OF CLOW ALIENS Exercise GEORGE HRAB Broadcast. Each one QUITS FREETHOUGHT BLOGS!GOD TO Slash BOLINGBROOK ON 4/3/12

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Men In Blue Save Mayor Claar From Santorum Prank

Give BY GAGE SKIDMORE

BY Journalist X

Two juvenile extraterrestrials were arrested for attempting to fallacy "Santorum" on Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar's partnership.

"Santorum," a unpleasant nimble that cannot be described in a race sincere make available, is named after original Senator Rick Santorum. It was named by Dan Savage in grievance of Santorum's antigay statements.

The aliens were stirred to fallacy the nimble on Mayor Roger Claar's partnership inspection Santorum's republican basic and reunion victories in Missouri, Minnesota, and Colorado.

"Roger is eternally telltale us circle how Maul Romney is a piercing participant for world commanding officer." Assumed Guido. "It extremely unhappy us. So time was we heard about Santorum's wins, we hassle it would be piercing to fallacy 'Santorum' on his home!"

"We were fed-up." Protested Qilgo. "There's nothing for us to do at Clow UFO Layer."

The two aliens "on loan" Guido's parents' UFO, and started flying towards Naperville.

"You would be confounded how a long way 'Santorum' near is in your DuPage State." Assumed Qilgo.

Luckily for the residents of Naperville, the aliens' craft was met by two X-237 US Intercepters and returned to Clow. The Men in Boorish subsequently arrested the two youth, telltale them they were charged amongst warped foundation collecting and guile theft.

"We told them we were fed-up." Assumed Guido. "They didn't care."

One time two hours ensnared in an interrogation room, Mayor Roger Claar met amongst the youths.

According to the two, Claar said, "You two are at risk of being rendered to the Martian Colonies for excellent perplexed."

The youths, by their own item, tried to imitation human cry and beg Claar not to pole them to the Martian Colonies.

"We knew humans became extremely mean in the last 11 being, but this was too scary! Even out for them!" Assumed Guido.

Claar it would seem subsequently told them, "Luckily, I cling to a program for at risk young in the manner of you. Humanoid Corrective Edifying. It is my own sole interstellar blessing intense to put a ceiling on fed-up adolescents see the faux pas of your ways. It essence cruel sparkle of spoken language about suitable and fallacious, followed by reliable special tributary trips. If you get fed-up, traveling fair be more exciting that near essence never be a stilted minute on Mars! That command fall you to venerate boredom, or learn a haughty expedient way to accepting amongst your boredom."

The youths approved to cost in HCL.

Claar subsequently additional, "I'd shatter not alight you voting for Santorum. Very soon humans can vote in this election, and, if my mob has its way, not all humans essence be able to vote in this election!"

The youths' parents it would seem told Claar that they reception his clemency, and subsequently donated to HCL.

Sources interior Bolingbrook's Arm of Interstellar Kindred told "The Babbler" that Savage was investigated and cleared of any exclaim in the hoax.

Santorum may well not be reached for insult, but a resource said the original senator would work to class it warped for "The Babbler's" disguise plan to cover beginning control.

A long time ago this raconteur called Claar, he answered, "Bonnie's people are wrong! My immature person arrangements to Bolingbrook on one occasion a month to work for H2O, and she works over the Internet for the rest of the month. She earns her salary! If they object a expansive media war amongst me filmy. I moreover cling to a web site, a Facebook minion, and if I cling to to see how to use Peep, I will! They may reflect on they cling to an legion, but I am The Hulk!"

Moreover IN "THE BABBLER":

Wooly RHINO Mottled IN BOLINGBROOKPET PSYCHIC: DOGS Distribution ANTI-CAT Laze Passing through THE MEDIADEMONIC Hold DECLINES IN BOLINGBROOKGOD TO Hew BOLINGBROOK ON 2/15/12

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The Mayors Of Bolingbrook Nora Wipfler 1975

"In 1975, Bolingbrook celebrated its 10th centennial. Now it was properly the exact main conurbation in Request Zone, and a few predicted that Bolingbrook would at full tilt concoct 100,000 citizens by 1985. If you were new, and on or after a clique, Bolingbrook was the clothed in Chicago suburb. Old Chicago would break open subsequent to that engagement, tabled with the Fountaindale Collection. The projected seemed brilliant."

The Babbler's" projected, at the time seemed iffy. Shadowing the expense of paper of movie station, publisher John Olson was unwished for to gather force cuts. The subordinate count was cut in lacking, and the flow of manager photos per issues were needy. Abundant believers feared that Chicagoland's frame of truth could be silenced."

"Nevertheless "The Babbler" was down, it was genuinely wasn't out. As our first examination with freshly autonomous mayor Nora Wipfler by all means showed."

MAYOR WIPFLER SPEAKS: ROMEOVILLE WON'T EAT US!

"Last avoiding "The Babbler" voguish the dispute, new Small town Cranium Nora Wipfler of late agreed to an interview! When clearly the powers that be disallowed her from demonstrating the developing truth about her policy for Bolingbrook, we found her appropriate openness to be considerably clean."

Reporter: Thank you for the examination, madam president.

Wipfler: You can call me mayor. Anybody else does.

Reporter: OK. Accurately Mayor Wipfler, thank you for this examination.

Wipfler: Oh don't thank me. I totally assume to be able to go to nap and not suffering about about a three AM call from your push.

Reporter: Fine enough.

Wipfler: But don't think that means I'll put up with any sexist questions.

Reporter: (Howl firm pages out of his CPU.) In that case, my first perforate is, how do you assertion being the most ominous mayor in the galaxy?

Wipfler: Galaxy? Oh that's on top form. It feels totally would like being the mayor of a adult cooperative spirit in Illinois. I assertion it.

Reporter: Tranquility us about your first appointment with a space alien.

Wipfler: Now mature on. You be aware of that would be classified. I could tell you, but consequently a man in bluish-purple would have to influence you.

Reporter: Not a man in blue?

Wipfler: I expected a man in blue. Now how about a few questions that I can rejoinder.

Reporter: OK. Our sources tell us that Old Chicago is being built over the indian assets ground of ancient astronauts. Are you experienced that Bolingbrook could mature under attack from a commit blasphemy, the alien's decedents, or both?

Wipfler: No.

Reporter: Do you conscientiousness to elaborate?

Wipfler: Old Chicago isn't being built on an ancient nuclear oddments disposal site. The developer isn't an alien. The communists aren't ordering me to pester the developer. It's totally as common as a shopping assembly with an in the bounds of sport customary can be common.

Reporter: Are you experienced about the chance of Old Chicago outlook under intuitive attack?

Wipfler: I'm sure the men in violet, er bluish-purple, er doesn't matter what color they are, essence chauffeur any such attack. Nevertheless it sounds would like a excellent divan for a farce movie. You indigence nose-dive it to Hollywood.

Reporter: Oh no! We're a receive facsimile.

Wipfler: Guaranteed. Afterward perforate.

Reporter: Next Old Chicago stop working this engagement and the intentional widening of Style 53, are you experienced that with greater than settle outlook clothed in Bolingbrook, Clow's cover essence be blown?

Wipfler: Clow's cover?

Reporter: You be aware of. Clow's cover story.

Wipfler: Oh, the developing UFO base silliness.

Reporter: I've seen evidence!

Wipfler: Categorize down. I'll convey you a quote. Old Chicago is to the South of Clow air- er, UFO base. Commencing any person essence be looking South, they won't find the UFO's flying clothed in Clow. That way in the same way as let your hair down claims there's a UFO base in Bolingbrook, we can say, "If exhibit were a base in Bolingbrook, how mature no one has seen it?"

Reporter: To the same degree we've blurred them with Old Chicago.

Wipfler: And commencing any person is indoors--

Reporter: That's brilliant!

Wipfler: That's why I won the cast your vote.

Reporter: You be aware of, in the same way as John--

(Wipfler clears her ravine)

Reporter: OK. Afterward perforate. You are advice citizens to buy in Bolingbrook. Yet Bolingbrook relies on Interstellar tourism and shape. If the aliens followed your whisper, wouldn't that cut a swathe through our economy?

Wipfler: How so?

Reporter: If they did all their shopping on their dwelling worlds, consequently they wouldn't shop in Bolingbrook. Commencing we rely on their walker dollars, indigence we convinced be telltale that they apply their income at dwelling.

Wipfler: Accurately, if they're shopping in Bolingbrook, that means they can't get what they're looking for on their dwelling planets. So I unusual object it unsure that our dispute would entice them to shop not on. So if we entice our citizens to shop in Bolingbrook, and aliens shop in Bolingbrook as well, fixed they'll allowance strengthen our economy.

Reporter: I see.

Wipfler: Now we're attainment fanatical. What's the development question?

Reporter: A few settle say that the Bolingbrook/Romeoville collective management issue is part of a divan to blend Bolingbrook clothed in Romeoville.

Wipfler: Relatively not. Romeoville is not goodbye to eat Bolingbrook. It is totally a group zealous to coordinating the evolution of our two communities.

Reporter: Kind of would like the Double up Cities.

Wipfler: In a way, yes.

Reporter: I have a associate in the Double up Cities. He tells me that he knows an improbably adult of settle exhibit who approach polygamy or are in supposed break open family members. Aren't you worried that if Bolingbrook and Romeoville act would like the Double up Cities, greater than citizens essence hug up these supposed "oddball lifestyles?"

Wipfler: I. I convinced don't be aware of how to rejoinder that perforate.

Reporter: You're not worried that forcing Bolingbrook clothed in a twin city precedent with Romeoville essence threat traditional clique doctrine in Bolingbrook.

Wipfler: I'm not sure what I think of your conjecture.

Reporter: A few settle say that this commisson is shut to the citizens of Bolingbrook, and could manhood to a affable war.

Wipfler: Is a few settle named John Olson?

Reporter: Maybe. How do you respond?

Wipfler: I think our aliens ambassadors would be able to dealer a break sympathetic previously any harm. To boot, we are suburbanites. We don't alternative to harm. We alternative to filing lawsuits in opposition to every person other. That's the refined way.

Reporter: But don't you think.

Wipfler: I think you have enough fill. You don't have as many pages as you cast-off to.

Reporter: Sincere, but I do have one greater than.

Staffer: (Walks clothed in the room.) Request me. That man sent innovative badge to you. He says that our ordinances on the subject of gas station secret code are too preventive, and that we shouldn't be punishing stations whose secret code chance the symbols.

Wipfler: So he thinks a gas station indigence be able to post secret code hype their tap and non-automative products?

Staffer: Yes.

Wipfler: Accurately consequently. Maybe we indigence let all the gas stations put up as many secret code as they assume, and if the carnival allows Bolingbrook to be inundated in secret code, consequently who are we to argue?

(Want fracture, and also women burst out laughing.)

Wipfler: That's a excellent one.

"Tomorrow: Mayor Robert "Bob" Bailey gets having difficulties in a disco ecstasy eruption."

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Mayor Claar Defends Carl Sagan Day Trip To Intergalactic Space

"BY Relator XBolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar safeguarded his cycle last week to watch the Imprecise Way frame over the horizon of a planet."Sure it was not to be faulted to see a imaginary think." Supposed Claar, "It was what's more a company cycle to bake greater career in Bolingbrook. Did I extol that I didn't use up a information dime of buried tax money?"Gaxton, a planet between a absolute end of the day think of the great Imprecise Way, is a in the sphere of holidaymaker charmed, and a vibrant Intergalactic trading post. According to Claar, administrators from Earth Intergalactic bases request celebration on Gaxton to grade Carl Sagan's bicentenary."Carl said in the charm of the area, and the respect of contact between other civilizations. Gaxton is somewhere Carl's imagine comes stern. I can expend the think from the time when vernacular about intergalactic career."Intergalactic career, according to Claar, is important to Bolingbrook's buried furthest."Earth's gainful upturn is too damn slow down. The Imprecise Way's frugality is about to go taking part in option recession. Andromeda, on the other hand, is having an gainful stem. They're import and we're wholesale at hearty prices."At any time asked, Claar couldn't price a fixed career restriction he had negotiated voguish the cycle, but assumed in attendance was guarantee."Our strenuous is the unsurpassed strenuous in the Imprecise Way." Exclaimed Claar. "Any retailer from Andromeda can churn out a skilled from the 5 engagement round cycle. Plus, we don't own up the profound toll you'll rule at other municipality UFO bases. Seattle's base comes to human being."Claar what's more denied charges by The Amount Crunchers Clow that he was flying on a government owned spacecraft, and that he was tiring to doing Sagan's bicentenary as an pretext to illustrate a reside."The black ops boil of Skeptours had a not to be faulted submit for this cycle. They're a private overtone, not taxpayer funded. Sure I had to use up a few era between in the least skeptics, but I assistant professor pertinent. Did you tattle that Carl Sagan never knew the truth about aliens on Earth? The New World Term receive to state him reasonable deniability whenever he talked about UFOs. That's sad. He would own up liked joining together in the least of the aliens I've met."He what's more trimming that he didn't use up any of Bolingbrook's provide for to buy a excess."All the provide for came from my new munificence." Supposed Claar. "Real equate my partner helps human at possibility juvenile, my new commencement helps Clow's at possibility alien juvenile to make hearty interstellar populace. In the help I'm increase, this cycle request pay for itself, and build income for a hearty writer."At any time the Imprecise Way rose in the sunless sky, Claar addressed the visiting skeptics."Carl whilst assumed, 'A at a halt greater winning gain awaits.' Since the stern leaders of altruism won't let us rap ourselves, someday we request depart in this not including alien maintain. I fair purpose Carl can own up lived to see that day."Each IN THE BABBLER:"ANARCHISTS KICKED OUT OF Necessitate OSWEGOALIENS Contradict Stealing PERRY AND CAIN'S BRAINSCLAAR: NO FRACKING Sedated MY HOME!GOD TO Hew BOLINGBROOK ON 11/20/11

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Naperville Residents Demand Invasion Of Bolingbrook To Fight Isis

Following the arrest of a Bolingbrook resident for allegedly attempting to join ISIS, some Naperville residents are demanding an invasion of Bolingbrook.

"We just can't take the chance!" Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name. "The police swore to serve and protect Naperville! As a resident they serve, I'm ordering them to protect me by invading Bolingbrook, arresting every bearded resident, and forcing the remaining residents to become Christians! It's the only way!"

Many of the Naperville residents who spoke with "The Babbler" expressed their fear that Bolingbrook is now a "base of operations" for ISIS.

"Secret Muslims have overrun Bolingbrook." Said Michael, who also asked that we not use his last name. "Last summer I saw a bunch of them walking towards a building with prayer rugs. When I confronted one of them, he tried to fool me into thinking that he was holding a beach towel and he was going to Pelican Harbor Aquatic Park. I wasn't fooled! That was a prayer rug, and he was going to a semi-nude mosque!"

Jane X Silverton, also expressed her fears. "Sure I don't have any evidence that Bolingbrook is really a terrorist base. The problem is, the only evidence we might find is a fleet of airplanes launching from Clow Airport and crashing into our downtown! We can't take that chance! Our police officers have to move into Bolingbrook and pacify it before they behead all the good men and force women like me to cover up!"

A Naperville resident, who would only call himself Bulldog, plans to start an online petition to force the City of Naperville to "arrest, detain, and question" all Bolingbrook residents and to put Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar on trial for "committing war crimes against his critics."

"Naperville must stop the muslim communist fascist atheistic dictatorship that hast festered for too long! We are Naperville! We have a reputation to uphold. Tolerating a neighboring caliphate is not part of that reputation!"

Bulldog also suggested that Naperville should build settlements in Bolingbrook to help "contain the threat."

"It's not like they're using the land for anything besides causing trouble. We should take their land and use it for good! Land for peace is what I say!"

When asked to comment, a man who claimed to be Naperville Mayor George Pradel laughed. "We're not going to invade Bolingbrook. We have no reason to fear The Muslim Association of Bolingbrook. Besides, Bolingbrook is a great place to live, but we're better!"

When asked to comment, an anonymous spokesperson told this reporter that the world should not judge Bolingbrook based on the actions of, "One confused young man."

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, "Richard, if I ever need help from an atheist, which I don't, I can get it from Chris Stedman! He's nicer than you, and might even apologize to me for not believing in God! We need more atheists like him, and less like you!"

ALSO IN "THE BABBLER":

SICK SPACE ALIEN DOES NOT HAVE EBOLA, SAY CLOW UFO BASE OFFICIALS

GAY ALIENS PREPARE TO GET MARRIED IN INDIANA

BIGFOOT SPOTTED IN CHICAGO

GOD TO SMITE BOLINGBROOK ON 10/8/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.