http://spirals-end.livejournal.com/47700.html
But that meeting, as nice as it ended up being, was remarkable because as far as either of us can tell-- it was the only time we met before via the aliens.
I was brought together with another boy far more often. I havent written much about it yet, because ultimately it ended up being very painful-- we obviously did NOT end up together, but for years it was clear we were meant to be...
Ever since I was a child, I had an odd, rather romantic, fantasy-- that became much more acute after age 11 or so. I kept having "dreams" and odd visual ideas about a boy who was a couple of years older than myself, with raven, slightly wavy hair and vivid blue eyes, who I spent time with. I called him "Douglas" but I have no idea if that was his real name. I had called this boy that from my childhood and it stuck with me well into my late teens. I thought those memories were dreams, sadly, and so did not write them down as I did so many other things from my childhood.
Once I reached my teens I became obsessed, and embarrassed by my obsession. I just "knew" that Douglas was real. I decided, in true New Age fashion, to believe that he was my soulmate and that we would meet one day and then be together forever.
Now, a lot of girls and women fantasize about the type of guy who would be ideal-- but my own notions seemed to be so darned "SPECIFIC". I knew his favorite color (bright sapphire blue), and that his birthday was in late January. I knew the sound of his voice, both before and after it deepened with maturity. I knew something of his hobbies, and I knew he lived in a rural area and had horses. At 11, I had this idea (memory) that he told me his favorite horses were Morgan horses, and how they were special. (Look it up, its pretty cool.)
I cant draw very well, so I often try to find examples in real life of what certain people look like. The closest Ive ever seen to someone who looked remarkably like Douglas is the actor who, ironically enough, played Superman in Smallville: Tom Welling. Although Doug wasnt quite as handsome, or maybe I should say "PRETTY"! --
--having a narrower head and nose, a deeper and more gravelly voice, and a leaner build just for starters. This pic, with altered lighting, is closer than other more accurate portrayals of Tom Wellings looks. The eyes should also be a much more vivid BLUE, not gray-green. Hair wavier, more tousled looking. Thinner lips. Longer chin. But yeah, close enough that I think it gives you an idea. "WAY" cuter than "ME", but not as pretty as Tom there.
I told a couple of friends, including Cat, about him-- and these people can absolutely confirm my obsession as a teenager. Looking back now, Im pretty convinced that he was an abductee and that he and I were paired together. I honestly believe that the plan was for us to meet and marry. I do have some clearer memories of us apparently hanging out (at his place with the horses or at my place where ever I lived) similar to what happened between Gerick and myself, but I would rather not write about them because its still too painful for me. Maybe someday.
The only incident Ive written about so far regarding him was here, when I wrote on a diner window in front of him and his parents, who were inside:
http://spirals-end.livejournal.com/37629.html
I am not absolutely certain that was Douglas... but with a sick feeling of dread Im really afraid it was. I wrote in that entry that if anyone remembers such an incident to contact me. I dont expect a contact, though. Its one of those situations where you hope youre wrong, and you want to deny what you believe to be the truth because its so damned awful...
As of 1988, obviously things were full steam ahead. I also recalled seeing him in 1989 and 1990. I was 100% sure that at "a certain time" he and I would somehow run into one another while wide awake, recognize each other, and things would progress from there. Blooming into romance and so forth. I mean you have to understand that when it comes to things about the aliens it was the only thing I really DID believe with my entire being. He and I were going to be together.
The aliens certainly knew I was smitten, and seemed to have used that knowledge to manipulate relationships I had with other males like the hybrid, Christopher Robin. Now I wonder about the "Dark Doppleganger Dude" who seems to be related somehow to Gerick-- have I confused him with Douglas as well? I have yet to figure it all out.
Regardless, at some point in early 1990, around the time I turned 20, something happened to put an end to that entire obsession/belief/expectation that Doug and I would be together. It happened around the time so many other things were going on: talking with Budd Hopkins and Linda "Cortile" on the phone regularly, abductions where I was giving things away and so much else. I was getting slightly better at coping over time, but I still had plenty of issues. I didnt really equate Doug with alien abductions at that point, perhaps surprisingly. I didnt want to believe then that our long distance love was anything beyond spiritual.
And then I got a very strong, unmistakable, telepathic message-- but from a distance. I just had this download of communication put into my head like pouring "thought water" into a vessel.
This has only happened to me twice in my whole life, where I was wide awake during the day and SOMEONE delivered news to me. Both times it was absolutely devastating, and my reaction was pronounced and dramatic. The first time I was 20.
It was so bizarre. I was watching a movie, taking a break from college homework, when all of a sudden I got a download of information into my head. It wasnt in English words, just pure knowledge-- which is hard to describe really. But I had no problems understanding the message. I didnt want it to be true and I became utterly distraught, sobbing hard for a good hour and a half.
"SOMEONE" told me that I wasnt going to be with Douglas as promised. Something had happened ("what" wasnt super clear-- or I was blocking it) and he couldnt see me anymore. In fact, I would never see him again. But right afterwards, the" someone" who told me this ALSO said that there was "SOMEONE ELSE I WOULD BE WITH INSTEAD".
Then the message conveyance stopped-- and I simply sobbed and tried to digest the nightmare. The hope of maybe seeing him again and getting to spend time with him in normal waking reality was all that kept me going sometimes. Without that promise, what the hell was I sticking around for--?
It took me years to admit to myself (and I still hate to say it) that Im pretty sure Douglas is dead. Maybe, given all he was going through just a couple of years before it all became too much and he killed himself. Maybe there was an accident. An illness. It seemed that it was a SURPRISE though, to whoever told me the information, and it was sudden and there was a great deal of disappointment.
A couple of months later, Gerick called me from out of the blue, having been given my phone number by Linda. He fell for me long before I fell for him, because there was always a deep (and very unfair) disappointment in my heart that he wasnt the other guy I had hoped for...
Gerick, my "plan B" man...
Many years have passed since that incident, and I never did see Douglas again, despite every hope. I saw Christopher Robin until well into my 20s. I still see the Dark Dude, even in recent years. But Doug-- the guy I almost feel like I grew up with-- I never saw again. I dont know what happened. And I still miss him.
At one point, I had a chance to speak to Budd without Gerick around in 1992 and I discussed these memories (including the "news from elsewhere" telepathic message.) I didnt want to hurt Gericks feelings, because obviously it wasnt his fault he wasnt my first choice. (Or their first choice...) Budd then told me about another young woman he knew who had been brought together repeatedly with an abductee boy. She actually remembered an abduction where the aliens delivered to her the sad news that her "match" had died unexpectedly in an accident. They were making arrangements for her to be with someone else instead. I looked at Budd sadly and said, "A plan B guy..." Budd nodded. Then I looked out at Gerick, talking to some abductee friends of ours some distance away, and I gave him a look and broke into tears. Budd got it.
This has been hard to write. Ive been quietly weeping throughout. When one has piecemeal memories of these sorts of things as I do, the temptation is to fill in the unknowns with happier thoughts. Or at least keep them in the "dream" or "fantasy" category. I just woke up this morning and felt it was time to talk about this.
Im pretty sure Gerick knows our relationship wasnt what was originally planned. Hes said as much to me before, though its obvious it makes him a little sad. And in turn I feel rather guilty because I can never feel the same way for HIM, a live human being in my life, as I do for someone I barely remember who is apparently gone for good (at least this life.) But I dont dictate my emotions. They are what they are. I love Gerick very much, but a part of me just never surrendered her heart to anyone else completely after Doug disappeared. There is a sadness deeply buried that just cant be touched. And all over someone I cant even prove existed at all to begin with!
And so the next segment of my abduction experiences began: Plan B man contacted me and we began talking on the phone and comparing experiences. Abductions escalated into new types of experiences, and I remembered more even than before as I began to try all sorts of tricks to "catch" the aliens and hold onto tiny pieces of memories.
When Gerick and I began spending time together, our alien groups-- associated and allied, but not the same group!-- began dealing with us as well. We started to have abductions and encounters with not only our own abductors, but with one anothers, which considerably broadened the range of experiences. That will be what I report in my next few posts about abduction memories.
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